Relationships

The term “codependent” is often used loosely and misinformed. Understanding what codependency isn’t can shed greater light to what codependency really is. Codependency Doesn’t Mean You’re Too Nice And Giving In a way, that’s exactly what codependency means. The codependent person has a lack of boundaries, meaning they have difficulty defining who they are, what their limits are, and what their limits are for other people. Being “nice” and being a generously giving person is healthy and wonderful, within healthy and wonderful limits. When someone gives beyond their capacity, in terms of finances, time, energy, mental and physical health, it is not longer a positive mark to their personality. Instead, it highlights a deep trouble and trauma which has manifested into a desperate need to please, give, and be liked. More specifically, the over-generosity of someone with codependency is an effort to avoid being abandoned, judged, neglected, and rejected. Chronically putting other’s needs above their own, the moral motives behind being nice and giving isn’t a matter of a bleeding heart, but a wounded heart which needs to be healed. Codependency Doesn’t Mean You’re Dysfunctional Typically, codependency means you’ve grown up in a dysfunctional home, with dysfunctional parents or have found yourself in dysfunctional relationships (which may or may not be a result of a dysfunctional childhood). Codependency is not a life-sentence for emotional pain and dysfunctional relationships. Dysfunction in codependency is learned and developed as a means for emotional survival. Being codependent does not make them dysfunctional. It only means they have learned to live in a dysfunctional way which causes dysfunctional effects. Recovering from codependency and learning healthy behaviors for relationships and emotional regulation is possible. Codependency Doesn’t Mean You’re Too “Clingy” Codependency can often and does often mean that people “cling” on to other people, afraid to be alone, to act independently, or even think and feel their own thoughts without the approval of another person. However, this is not the only way codependency can take form. Counter-dependency is a form of co-dependency, acting on the same instincts and dysfunction, just in a separate manner. Avoidance, distance, pseudo-independence and other traits which seem to oppose those of the mainstream idea of codependency are codependent in their own right.

We learn that mental illness is not a choice. Coping with the many emotions and behavioral urges of mental health disorders do present many choices. What a loved one goes through as their mental health disorder develops and slowly takes over their mind, until they learn how to deal with it, is beyond their control. Unfortunately, it is beyond our control as well. We cannot make them stop hurting us, stop hurting themselves, or change they way they feel. A loved one’s mental health disorder is beyond our jurisdiction, which is challenging, because it can intimately affect our lives. One of the ways we try to cope with a loved one’s mental illness is through resentment. A form of passive aggression, resentment is often described as drinking a poison meant for others, or withholding love from others but instead withholding love from ourselves. To settle resentment, we have to find room for two emotional and spiritual principles: acceptance and forgiveness. First, we have to accept that our loved one has a mental illness which is beyond our control. Second, we have to learn to forgive them for how they might behave and how that behavior might affect us. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. Acceptance does not mean condoning. Both can be healing and educations. Learning to set healthy boundaries, create healthy responses, and communicate in healthy ways are part of the process. Recognize Their Work In Recovery The effects of a loved one’s mental health disorder can be traumatizing. Self-harm, verbal abuse, physical abuse, substance abuse- all of the ways they act out can take a toll. As they work on themselves in their recovery by attending treatment and working with a therapist, you have the opportunity to witness their growth and development. How they are changing has to be enough. Letting go of the fear that they may revert into the old version of themselves is a practice in vulnerability. Resentment can feel like a form of protection against future harm. Unfortunately, it only creates harm in the present. Forgiveness sometimes means giving up all hope of a better past. That doesn’t mean relinquishing hope for a better future- as your loved one is already demonstrating the possibilities for what lies ahead in the work they are doing now. It means realizing that no resentment, bitterness, or fear can change what happened in the past or even what will happen in the future. Instead, it encourages letting go and celebrating what is happening now while preparing yourself for what might come in the future.

Learning about your loved one’s mental health diagnosis is the best way to understand what they go through clinically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and even physically. There are different ways to research a diagnosis. First, you can look up the specific diagnosis in the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders which is what diagnosing doctors use for the criteria to make an official diagnosis. You will learn what the requirements of the diagnosis are, which can help you understand how severe or not severe the diagnosis is. In addition, you can identify some of the symptoms you will need to learn to look out for. The next best place to learn about their diagnosis is through first hand accounts online. Today, mental health is a popular subject on many blogs and websites. Thankfully, a growing awareness about mental health disorders has encouraged others to speak up about their personal experiences, their struggles, their treatment, and their recovery. In addition, there are many spouses and partners who write about their experience supporting someone with a mental health disorder. Reading these accounts can give you insight, teach you where to draw healthy boundaries, and most importantly, how to take care of yourself in the process. Lastly, the best place to learn about your partner’s mental health diagnosis is from your partner. After doing research of your own, ask them if it is okay to ask them questions so you can gain a deeper understanding. Get their personal insight on their experience, what they need, what they go through, and what they are learning. If they are going to treatment, have an open conversation about how you can support them in the healthiest way. Being in a relationship with someone actively seeking treatment and therapy for a mental health disorder means learning to take care of your own mental health in the process. Learning to set healthy boundaries and practice effective communication will help maintain necessary balance and structure in your relationship. Together, counseling or therapy can help you learn more about each other’s needs and wants, while developing healthy tools for supporting one another. Seeking out a therapist or counselor of your own can help you work through any issues which might come up, which isn’t uncommon.