Relationships

Contributor Merylee Sevilla shared her experience with cutting family ties on Elite Daily: “I broke up with my parents and most of my family when I came out as gay. Growing up, I spent years and years unknowingly sacrificing my happiness and my mental and emotional health in the name of family. I believe I had to do anything and everything for them. And that’s because most of us have been trained to believe that turning our backs on family – no matter how bad or abusive they are – is reprehensible. But, that belief is severely flawed.” The idea of family is one that leads us to believe in connection, closeness, respectfulness, people whom we can depend on and trust, and more. If you have family relationships that are based on these premises, you likely have a good support system. While most of us try to uphold these critical components of a relationship, we cannot control the way our family treats us. Some of us may believe that holding onto family no matter what is best, but this is not always the case. A toxic family member can cause danger to our overall sense of well-being, safety, and recovery. There are several cases you should consider for terminating a family member from your life:

An intimate relationship is a constant interplay of fulfillment and responsibility. Both members of a romantic bond must be able to contribute to the relationship and each other. When substance use is added into the equation, this exchange can quickly become unbalanced. As a relationship with drugs or alcohol begins to invade a person’s priorities, interpersonal relations are undoubtedly strained. What experts say In her 2004 essay, “Disorders of desire: addiction and problems of intimacy,” Helen Keane, Ph.D., proposed that to better understand how addictive disorders relate to interpersonal instability, people need to view problematic substance use in different light. Keane explained, “It is not the objects of addiction that determine the condition, but a particularly intense and rigid relationship between the addict and her substance or activity of choice.” In his 2013 article entitled, “When Substance Abuse and Intimacy Issues Are Linked,” Robert Weiss, LCSW, recounted relying on his experience in the field due a lack of research on addiction and intimacy. From his years of seeing patients, Weiss has noticed the undeniable prevalence of co-occurrence between substance and relationship-based problems. In further, he recommended that treatment providers address these comorbid conditions simultaneously to ensure the best recovery outcomes. According to Psychiatrist David Sack, M.D., an addict’s significant other cannot magically solve dependency issues, but he or she can ignite the desire to change. Sack stated, “You don’t have control over the addict, but you do have influence. It is often an intervention, an ultimatum or a refusal to enable that leads addicts to take the first step into recovery.” Warning signs of a loved one dealing with addiction William Fals-Stewart, Ph.D., of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) outlined the warning signs of addiction within a relationship:

Toxic people are of a wide variety – some are just fleeting interactions while others are relationships, whether intimate or not, that we have held on for a little too long. Toxic relationships can lead us into a depth of despair – clinging on for more, even when more isn’t available. This holding on causes us to sink rather than swim, and we deserve more thriving connections in our lives. It can become so easy to give all our energy to others, but that leaves us feeling depleted both mentally and physically. Toxic people, whether they act in overt cruelty, passive aggressiveness, or out of sheer pleasure – never want to take responsibility for their actions. They either dismiss, deny, or place blame on others and refuse to admit they have done anything wrong. For those of us who are willing to admit when we’re wrong, it can be hard getting blamed by those we care about and we can accidentally take on that blame – a weight that does not need to be carried. Peg Streep, author and co-author of 11 books and writer for Psychology Today, provides an effective strategy for stepping out from underneath the toxic people in our lives:

A personality disorder is defined as a type of mental disorder in which a person has a rigid and unhealthy pattern of thinking, functioning, and behaving. Living with a personality disorder can affect every aspect of one’s life. Dating someone with a personality disorder can also be challenging. Bustle has noted the following characteristics of someone with dependent personality disorder (DPD): low self-esteem, often seems “clingy” or “passive”, unable to make decisions on one’s own, hates being alone, goes from one relationship to another, is unable to take initiative on projects, and is very agreeable with partner in fear of them leaving. Individuals with DPD may appear very fearful, anxious, or sad. If you are dating someone with this disorder, they may take a lot of energy from you, seek your approval constantly, rarely disagree with you and be very influential. People with DPD often to not rise to their full potential because they rely on someone else’s support. There are several things you should be careful not to do with your partner if they have DPD:

We can’t help to look at other people. What they have, who they are, their accomplishments – most of these is displayed very eloquently on social media networks such as Facebook or Instagram. When we view these, sometimes we may be so excited for someone we love and care about, but other times we may experience feelings of jealousy, envy, sadness, and even hatred. Our judgments don’t just stop at social media, however. First impressions cause us to judge someone, and those judgments aren’t always correct. The Scientific American states that we judge based on two qualities in first-interactions: warmth (whether the person is friendly and well intentioned) and competence (whether the person can deliver on their intentions). It’s not a debate that we judge others, but why do we do that? Maria Moraca, writer for Tiny Buddha, states that our judgments are often an extension of our own self-criticizing. When our internal dialogue is critical and demanding, we become critical and demanding of others. Are we supposed to stop judging others altogether? That is impossible. As Dr. Marwa Azab tells Psychology Today, we have two components of the brain: our logical, conscious system and our reflexive, non-conscious one. Our logical system is controlled, intentional, voluntary, and what we are actively aware of. Our reflexive system is involuntary and outside of our awareness – much of the thoughts that occur here are reactive and irrational. Tiny Buddha has noted three main causes for judgment on others:

Addiction and mental illness doesn’t just affect the person who has it – it effects all friends and loved ones, those who are close to the person. Treatment for recovery is critical, but many times friends and family need to be educated as well; in doing this, they can better assist their loved one and better maintain their own well-being. By understanding the benefits that family can add to a person’s recovery, more families can get involved and help themselves and their loved ones better understand the disease of addiction. In a book from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Service Administration titled, Substance Abuse Treatment and Family Therapy, family can be a source of help to the treatment process, but must also manage the consequences of their loved one’s addictive behavior. Many recovery programs offer family therapy, whose aim is to help meet the needs of all involved. Family therapy allows each person to address their concerns and hopes, and to work together to come up with creative solutions. This isn’t always the easiest task, however. Family effort in recovery requires mutual understanding, flexibility, and adjustments between the treatment provider, family therapist, and the family. Open communication is critical for family therapy to be successful. Steven Gifford, LPC and writer for Psychology Today, notes that each family is different and should be treated as such when it comes to recovery. Each family has a different form of communication, and any unhealthy patterns of communication should be addressed before the whole family can move forward. Many counselors at treatment centers are prepared to assist families with the adjustment of recovery and how to best help themselves and their loved ones. Family meetings can benefit in the following ways:

During recovery we meet many individuals who are also in recovery.  We can meet people in these meetings and some might even become friendships.  While friendships are encouraged due to the support and connection provided, getting romantically involved during recovery might not be a good idea.  There are men and women who attend these meetings and we might find ourselves wanting to form a relationship with a person that is more than friendly. Forming a new intimate relationship during recovery is not unethical; however, it could jeopardize your recovery particularly if you are new to recovery.  Some people who have been attending 12-step meetings for a long time state that forming a new relationship is not an ideal situation until one has been clean and sober for one year.  Regardless of whether one meets someone through meetings or elsewhere, there are reasons for not getting into an intimate relationship during recovery.  It should be noted that recovery is a lifelong process.  It is not realistic to state that one should never begin a new romantic relationship during this process. Recovering from drug and alcohol abuse in the beginning is a difficult time for many, both emotionally and socially.  Starting a relationship at this early stage can cause problems as the persons involved may want to focus more on the relationship and less on recovery.  There is also an emotional consideration.  When quitting drugs or alcohol, there are many emotions a person might experience.  These emotions include depression, anxiety, or feeling overwhelmed. Starting a relationship can take the focus off of working through these emotions, which is important for recovery. Another reason to avoid forming an intimate relationship in early recovery, is the possibility of relapse.  If a person meets someone at a 12-step meeting and becomes involved with this individual and a relapse occurs, there could be the opportunity for the other person to relapse as well. There is some truth to not starting a relationship for one year at the start of recovery.  This first year should be a period of selfishness and working on recovery no matter what.  It would be a good thing to focus on yourself and develop relationships that are more friendly.  Having this friendship in recovery can assist in developing a good support system and having a friend to talk through emotional crises or bad days.

Our relationships with others will change during recovery.  These relationships can include family members, other relatives, spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, friends, and people we work or go to school with.  As one begins recovery from alcohol or drug abuse, there may be relationships that end.  One reason for this is that some of the people we associated with are still using drugs or drinking alcohol.  It is good practice to venture away from these friends, as they can jeopardize recovery.  If there are family members using drugs or alcohol, it would be a good idea to limit contact with them. Recovery should never be at risk. Addictions and even recovery can break up marriages or relationships.  There might be a spouse or significant other who continues to use drugs or alcohol, while the other wants to maintain sobriety.  This typically does not work well until such time as the person using drugs or alcohol decides to stop and begin a recovery program.  Work or school relationships can change as well.  Maybe work friends like to go out after work for happy hour or there are friends who meet after school. Recovery involves lifestyle changes including developing relationships with others that are positive and which support your recovery.  Sometimes it can be difficult to sever friendships during recovery; however, you will have opportunities to develop new relationships.  You may meet someone at a 12-step meeting or discover that a friend at work is also recovering from drug or alcohol abuse. An important part of recovery is understanding that friends and family members might have issues with trusting you. Some relationships may end simply because of the hurt experienced by the family member or friend.  Trust is usually the first thing to be affected in a relationship, and the last to get back.  If you have friends or family members that you want to have in your life during recovery, remember that trust is not easily restored.  Over time and with continued recovery, family members will slowly begin to trust again but it will take patience.

Narcissistic personality disorder can manifest over time and create abusive, unhealthy relationships when unmanaged. As your loved one goes through treatment and therapy, you can start to establish rules for yourself and for a loved one with narcissistic personality disorder in your life. By learning about them and the way their disorder manifests, you can learn to create healthy boundaries while continuing to love them with compassion.