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The term “codependent” is often used loosely and misinformed. Understanding what codependency isn’t can shed greater light to what codependency really is. Codependency Doesn’t Mean You’re Too Nice And Giving In a way, that’s exactly what codependency means. The codependent person has a lack of boundaries, meaning they have difficulty defining who they are, what their limits are, and what their limits are for other people. Being “nice” and being a generously giving person is healthy and wonderful, within healthy and wonderful limits. When someone gives beyond their capacity, in terms of finances, time, energy, mental and physical health, it is not longer a positive mark to their personality. Instead, it highlights a deep trouble and trauma which has manifested into a desperate need to please, give, and be liked. More specifically, the over-generosity of someone with codependency is an effort to avoid being abandoned, judged, neglected, and rejected. Chronically putting other’s needs above their own, the moral motives behind being nice and giving isn’t a matter of a bleeding heart, but a wounded heart which needs to be healed. Codependency Doesn’t Mean You’re Dysfunctional Typically, codependency means you’ve grown up in a dysfunctional home, with dysfunctional parents or have found yourself in dysfunctional relationships (which may or may not be a result of a dysfunctional childhood). Codependency is not a life-sentence for emotional pain and dysfunctional relationships. Dysfunction in codependency is learned and developed as a means for emotional survival. Being codependent does not make them dysfunctional. It only means they have learned to live in a dysfunctional way which causes dysfunctional effects. Recovering from codependency and learning healthy behaviors for relationships and emotional regulation is possible. Codependency Doesn’t Mean You’re Too “Clingy” Codependency can often and does often mean that people “cling” on to other people, afraid to be alone, to act independently, or even think and feel their own thoughts without the approval of another person. However, this is not the only way codependency can take form. Counter-dependency is a form of co-dependency, acting on the same instincts and dysfunction, just in a separate manner. Avoidance, distance, pseudo-independence and other traits which seem to oppose those of the mainstream idea of codependency are codependent in their own right.

We live in an immensely voyeuristic and exhibitionist world thanks to social media. At first, with a simple post using words of how we were doing, we could create small statements to describe the events of our lives. Next, came photos, opening a new world of possibilities. Soon, we became professionals on the latest news, sharing links, sharing videos, and leaving behind us a digital breadcrumb trail about every aspect of our lives. Today, instant sharing allows people to document every moment of their day and night, letting people in, and showing their lives off. Social media falls under scrutiny for promoting fake identity and falsism rather than authenticity. There is never a way of knowing the truth behind every photo and post, the pain behind every smile, or the eating disorder and severe body dysmorphia behind every “insta-perfect” body. Numerous “insta-famous” “insta-stars” have come forward about the truth behind their picture perfect looking lives. It takes hours to frame a shot the right way, obsessive takes and retakes, endless editing, and filtering, before that one shot of perfection can be ogled over by millions upon millions of followers. Dangerously, there are the use of hashtags which perpetuate unrealistic and severely unhealthy idealistic standards of perfection and beauty which drive particular populations toward eating disorder behavior. Without understanding the truth behind the image, people are shown just an image and a message: this is how you should look, do whatever it takes to get there, it is worth it. Hashtags like “thinspo” “fitspo” and others have sparked controversy, in addition to the multiple body “trends” which problematically place a high amount of focus on specific body parts. Professionals have the most worry about pro-eating disorder hashtags and posts in which users encourage one another in their eating disorder behaviors. “For people suffering with anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating disorder,” explains a contributing author to Huffington Post, “obsessions over self-image and feelings of shame over eating food consume a person’s daily thoughts and actions.” In addition to documenting every physical achievement, perfect angle, and healthy meal, social media users feel compelled to talk about their version of acceptance-- maybe they “indulged” today and ate “bad” thereby “cheating” on their “lifestyle”, but it’s okay, because they will work out and eat clean tomorrow, because that is the meaning of “balance”. “With the multitude of environmental stressors already influencing disordered eating habits, social media has new been added to the list. Now more than ever, since social media is used by individuals of all ages and backgrounds, it has begun to play a larger role in the influence and development of social media.”

Last month, Brad Pitt made headlines around the world as he openly discussed his lifetime of alcohol abuse and how he has realized he has avoided his alcoholism for so long. After a high profile separation from his world famous actress and UN Ambassador wife, Angelina Jolie, the pressure was on Brad Pitt to come to terms with his alcoholism. After attending treatment and speaking openly about going through two therapists before finding the right one, Pitt has been openly discussing his experience and the reality of his drinking. “Boozing too much” was the answer he gave as he expressed his realizations that hardly a day had gone by since his time in college without being under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol at some point in time. Addiction affects 250 million people worldwide. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, NIAAA, cites that 17 million adults in the United States have an alcohol use disorder. To be diagnosed with an alcohol use disorder one has to demonstrate the beginnings of a chemical dependency on alcohol, including signs of developing a tolerance, experiencing symptoms of withdrawal, and having cravings for alcohol. Though treatment for alcoholism and even alcohol abuse is more widely available than it ever has been before, only a fraction of the people who are living with alcohol use disorder seek any treatment for it. Out of the millions struggling, only a few thousand will get help, and few thousand less might stay sober. Recovering from alcoholism is challenging and difficult, but it is not impossible. Problematically, there are a lack of resources which help people be aware that their drinking patterns are in fact alcoholic and pose a serious risk to their mental as well as physical health. As a result, the normalized drinking culture causes people to believe they do not have a problem. Prolonging alcoholism recovery can lead to serious health issues which can include damage to the kidneys, liver, and especially the heart. Early intervention is the best way to guarantee lifelong health and recovery.  Through clinical detox, proven therapeutic treatments, and holistic healing, recovery from alcoholism is possible.

After treatment, therapy is suggested as an ongoing part of the recovery lifestyle. It’s easy to regress into old patterns and stop going to therapy once life starts feeling “better”. If you notice your loved one starting to struggle and want to encourage them to go back to therapy, here are some suggestions. Needing Fixing Doesn’t Mean You’re Broken We place a lot of value on independence and self-sufficiency in today’s society. When encouraging someone to see a therapist it is important to emphasize that needing outside help isn’t a sign of weakness or failure. In fact, it is a sign of courage and strength which helps gain the tools and empowerment for being more independent in the future. Mental health is as important to take care of as physical health. Encourage your loved one to understand that seeking a therapist is just another tool for taking care of themselves. Therapists Aren’t Out To Get You The therapist’s job is to be 100% objective in their listening and response to their patients. Judgments, criticisms, or shaming is not part of the therapy process. Trusting a total stranger with the deepest thoughts and intimacies of one’s life is intimidating. However, seeking a therapist won’t mean starting therapy. Finding a therapist is only part of the process. Remind your loved one that it will be one step at a time. First, they need to find someone they like and feel comfortable with- comfortable enough to eventually dive into their inner selves. For now, they need to just take the action to find potential therapists and have preliminary sessions. It’s Okay To Not Be Okay “But I’m fine” is a common response when we urge a loved one to seek therapy. Fine is not great and it isn’t always an example of good mental health. Remind them of things they’ve opened up to you about, or what you’ve noticed about their mental health which has caused you concern. These aren’t damning or shaming observations. They’re objective facts about your loved one’s life. Therapy Works Recent research has found that people who go to therapy are 30-40 years ahead of the game in their personal development. Instead of taking a lifetime to work on their ‘stuff’, people who regularly work with a therapist expedite the process, leading to a happier, healthier, more productive life.